Stage Four: The Awakening: I Am Still Here

Stage Four: The Awakening: I Am Still Here

The Moment You Begin to See Yourself Again

I Am Still Here. I Am Alive. I Have the Power.

We are beginning the hard work of deciding what to do about the hurt we discussed in Stage Three. Recognizing that life has hurt us is not enough; we must find a way forward. Between hurting and healing comes a moment we rarely discuss: the decision to take charge, refuse to be defined by pain, and no longer let it hold us captive. The stories will be fewer in this stage as we turn toward solutions. I cannot prescribe what you should do; I can only ask questions that may bring clarity.

We should not dwell on who hurt us or how life failed to go as planned. In stage four, you wake up. The job, marriage, responsibilities, finances, and difficult relationships may remain unchanged, but something in you shifts. You begin to see, and once you see, it becomes difficult to unsee.

When the Questions Change

In Stage Three, When Life Begins to Hurt, we named what had found its way into our suitcases: disappointment, job loss, missed opportunities, broken trust, expectations, grief, words that wound and regrets that linger. We did not rush to fix anything, we simply acknowledged: This happened, this mattered, and this hurt. Then another question begins to emerge. Not: Why did this happen to me? But: What am I going to do with the life that is still mine?

That is a powerful question because answering it sets us on the path to action, action only you can define. You can remain in self-pity, replaying who hurt you and asking questions only you can answer, or take the reins and say: That happened. It hurt. Now I am going to address it. Do not worry if you do not yet know how. Recognizing that something must change is already an achievement; we will come to the how shortly.

Awakening Is Often Quiet

We imagine transformation as something dramatic: leaving a relationship, resigning from a job, going back to school, starting a business or moving countries. Such choices are hard to make from a place of hurt. We may feel compelled to tell everyone what happened or search for someone, even ourselves, to blame. But awakening often begins quietly, perhaps over a cup of tea: I am tired of this. I do not want to live like this anymore. When did I stop doing the things I enjoy? Or perhaps the hardest question: When did I disappear from my own life? Nothing has changed yet, but everything has begun.

When the Roles Become Quieter

Awakening may come when children grow up, retirement approaches, caregiving ends, a relationship changes or a consuming role disappears. Suddenly, you have time and energy but do not know what to do with them. For years, life supplied the agenda: work, pay school fees, meet deadlines, support the team, solve problems and keep going. At home, you cared for children and parents, managed travel, made plans and handled whatever needed doing. Some days you thought you would lose your mind. Then, almost without notice, there is less to plan and fewer conversations to hold. Everyone you cared for has a life, and you ask: What about mine?

That is not being selfish, it is awakening.

The Professional Woman Wakes Up Too

Perhaps you have spent years being the reliable one, the woman who delivers, stays late, fixes problems, mentors others and accepts additional responsibilities without complaining. Then the promotion goes to someone else, a younger colleague moves ahead, your contribution is overlooked, restructuring makes your position redundant. A difficult boss makes you question the abilities you once knew you had. Or you simply realize, I do not love this anymore. That can be frightening when work has defined you for decades. Who am I without the Director, Manager, Professor, CEO, Officer, Consultant or Chairperson title? Perhaps the awakening is simply this: My title described what I did. It was never the whole of who I am.

“I Am Just Salome”

Several years ago, I found myself fighting for something surprisingly simple: my name. People constantly referred to me as Salome of XYZ. Even after I was no longer there, the label followed me. Where are you now? What are you doing now? And somewhere inside me was the response: How about, I am just Salome, doing different stuff? Sometimes awakening is realizing how much of our identity has become attached to where we work, whom we married, whom we care for, or what others need us to be.

What Have I Been Tolerating?

Awakening also exposes what we have normalized, including ridicule, abuse, minimizing self so that others do not feel threatened. The words of Marianne Willamson come to play here; “Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you”.

We explain people’s behaviour, justify wrongdoing, keep quiet to preserve peace and accept disrespect. We carry responsibilities nobody asked us to carry, remain in relationships that are no longer reciprocal, and say yes when everything inside us wants to shout, No! Then comes an uncomfortable realization: I have participated in my own disappearance. Not because we were weak, but because we loved, were loyal, felt afraid, needed the job or status, or had been taught what an employee should endure. Awakening is not about blaming yourself for yesterday; it is about becoming conscious of today.

The Return of Your Voice

One of the first things we rediscover is our voice, not necessarily a loud voice. A truthful one, being able to say; I do not like that. That does not work for me. I need help. I disagree. I need some time. Let me think about it. No, and I have changed my mind.

You are allowed to know something today that you did not know ten years ago. You are allowed to outgrow a decision. You are allowed to choose differently. I am also learning to resist another familiar experience: saying something in a meeting only for somebody to begin, “What Salome is saying is…………..”

No!

What Salome is saying will be said by Salome herself.  Period.Do not allow others to speak for or minimize you. Sometimes reclaiming your voice begins with refusing to let someone else interpret it for you.

Awakening Does Not Always Mean Leaving

Becoming aware does not mean immediately leaving your marriage, career, friendships or responsibilities. Awakening may lead us to leave, or to stay differently. We may speak, seek help, renegotiate, apologize, forgive, set a boundary, or stop lying to ourselves.

The question is not: What dramatic thing must I do?

It is: What truth can I no longer pretend I do not know?

Open the Suitcase

Our suitcase now contains quite a collection: dreams, career, success, wisdom, marriage, motherhood, societal expectations, disappointments, broken trust, missed opportunities, harsh words and regrets. Stage Four does not ask us to throw everything out. It asks us to look and ask;

Is this mine?

Do I still believe in this?

Who told me I had to carry this?

What have I outgrown?

What am I afraid to admit?

And perhaps most importantly: Where am I in this suitcase?

Underneath the roles, expectations, disappointments and experiences, perhaps you discover something beautiful.

You are still there.

Perhaps quieter, wiser, more cautious, different from the woman you once imagined becoming. Perhaps a stronger and better version, but still there. The curious girl, the ambitious young woman, friend, traveler, learner. The woman who laughed easily and had ideas and dreams. She may not have disappeared, perhaps she simply became buried beneath everything life required of her.

Your Turn

Do not make the five-year plan yet.

First, notice.

Ask yourself:

• What truth am I finally ready to acknowledge?
• What have I normalized that no longer feels normal?
• Where am I living according to other people’s expectations?
• What part of myself have I silenced?
• What do I want now?
• What is waking up in me?

You do not need all the answers now. Awakening is not the destination; it is the moment you realize;  I still have choices. Once you have seen yourself again, the next question becomes unavoidable:

What am I going to do with the woman I have rediscovered?

For today, it is enough to say: I am still here. I am alive. I have the power.

Join the conversation

Complete this sentence, publicly or privately:

“I knew I was awakening when I realized……………………………………………….”

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