When Did I Stop Answering to My Own Name?

When Did I Stop Answering to My Own Name?

I Am Still Here. I Am Alive. I Have the Power.

Have you ever lost yourself without realizing you were missing? I have. Strangely enough, it took not responding to my own name for me to begin thinking seriously about it. For as long as I can remember, I have always been something to somebody.

I was the daughter of so‑and‑so, then a student at this school, Games Captain, church member, university student. Later, I went to work and acquired an entirely new identity in letters: “POA. POB. POR. POS.” People rarely called me by name. I was simply POS (Personnel Officer, Salaries). They knew my position, they knew my work, and thankfully, they thought I was good at it. My work was recognized. Sometimes it was even cited in important speeches. I should have been delighted. And I was. Yet many years later, I found myself wondering: If my work was so visible, why did I sometimes feel invisible? They knew what I did. But did they know me? More importantly,… did I know me?

The Day I Didn’t Answer to My Own Name

A couple of years ago, I needed certificates from a foreign university verified by the Commission for University Education. I dropped my documents with an officer and I was asked to return the following day. I arrived as instructed and sat patiently at reception. After some time, the officer appeared carrying several files and began calling names. One person went in and came out carrying an envelope, then another, and another. I waited. Then the officer called:

“Salome K!” Nothing. Again: “Salome K!” Still nothing.

I looked around, wondering why this Salome person was not responding. Didn’t she realize others were waiting? Then he called again, this time looking directly at me. I looked back at him. Finally, he asked: “What is your name?” I began confidently: “My name is Salome Gitoho…” Then it dawned on me. He was calling me.

The certificate he was holding carried my maiden name, a name I had not used for over thirty years. I followed him into his office sheepishly. He laughed: “You mean you forgot your own name?” I tried to laugh, but it was not only embarrassing, it was frightening. Later, the question stayed with me. Had I simply stopped responding to an old name? Or was that little incident pointing me toward a much bigger question?

At what point in life do we stop responding to ourselves? The Names Life Gives Us.

Life gives us many names: Daughter, Student, Wife, Mother, Professional, Manager, Director, Grandmother, Community Leader, Friend, Committee Member, The Dependable One, and The Person Everybody Calls When Something Needs to Be Done. These identities are not necessarily burdens. Many are privileges. Some have brought me enormous joy. Some I worked very hard to earn. Some I would choose all over again. Yet there is a question we don’t ask ourselves often enough: Where am I among all the names life has given me?

There were seasons in my career when I left home in the dark and returned in the dark. I was working, achieving, delivering, solving, supporting, providing, showing up. Life was full. Friendships could wait. Social engagements could be postponed. Things I wanted to do for myself could happen later. There would always be time.

Until one day, you realize that “later” has quietly become years. Then Something Makes You Stop, Sometimes it is a major event. Sometimes disappointment. Sometimes success. Sometimes age. Sometimes transition and sometimes nothing dramatic happens at all. You simply stop! Exhale and have a private conversation with yourself.

Not with your spouse. Not with your children. Not with your boss. Not with your friends.

With yourself! How am I? Am I happy? Am I living the life I intended or simply responding to the life that happened? What have I postponed? What have I accepted? What have I outgrown? What still excites me? What do I want now? And perhaps most importantly: Where am I in my own life?

That question started something for me. And it is the reason for this series: RECLAIMING YOURSELF. A Conversation worth Having

Over the coming weeks, I want us to explore something together. Not because I have all the answers, I don’t. And certainly not because there is one correct way to live a life, there isn’t.

I want us to have an honest conversation about the different people we become as life unfolds, and what happens when we finally turn our attention toward ourselves. There will be questions. There may be disagreement. Good! There may be moments when you recognize yourself. There may be others when you say, “That’s not my experience at all.” Even better! Because this is a conversation. And perhaps somewhere in that conversation we will each discover something worth paying attention to.

Before We Begin : I want to leave you with the question that officer inadvertently asked me:

What is your name? Not simply the name on your ID. And don’t give me your CV. For just a moment, put aside your titles, qualifications, relationships, achievements, and responsibilities. Who is underneath them? Don’t worry if you cannot answer immediately. Perhaps that is precisely where our conversation should begin.

Next, we open the first chapter. Until then, I would love you to leave just four words in the comments if this conversation speaks to you:

I AM STILL HERE. And that is enough for today. I am still here! I am alive!. I have the power!

#ReclaimingYourself #IAmStillHere